WHO’S IN CHARGE? Being in Right Relationship with our Children

A growing number of children and youth today are presenting as demanding, prescriptive, bossy and controlling. “You can’t tell me what to do!” “Not this way, that way!” “Give me that right now!” “You have to listen to me!” “Mom, you need to relax!” Every child talks like this from time to time, but some children seem to be stuck in a bossy, in-charge mode, especially when interacting with their parents. In our reaction to authoritarian parenting and our quest for equalitarian relationships, we have inadvertently given rise to these “alpha children”.

There is an unfortunate reality behind this powerful-looking stance: such children are difficult to direct, teach, and comfort – they are even difficult to feed; and such children are often restless and insecure, despite having loving parents and a safe home. Alpha children can be challenging to manage and, by their nature, are more likely to present with troubling behavior. A disturbing number of these alpha children are turning into bullies as well.

If we are to take our rightful roles in the lives of our children, we must look past the bravado and see the vulnerable child within. If we are to lead them into maturity, they must be following us, not bossing us around or trying to take care of us. If we seek to parent with attachment in mind, they must be attached in the right way, with parents in the lead.

How do we find the way back to our rightful alpha place? We need to invite rather than resist their dependence. We also need to convey a strong alpha presence around the child, full of caring and take-charge attitude. It is a quality of relationship, both soft and firm, rather than incident management. We need to be the Kings and Queens of their universe and be their answer for contact and connection, for companionship, and for a sense of significance and being known.

References

Gordon Neufeld, Alpha Children, Neufeld Institute Vancouver BC, Canada.