The Trouble With Time Outs

Many parents struggle with what to do when their children misbehave and often look to the well-known technique of time-outs. Although originally developed in the 1960s as a means to protect children from spanking, time-outs are used today as a panacea that is unwittingly creating other parenting problems. Although time-outs can buy temporary compliance with some children, it comes with a very high cost.

We think children are in their rooms “learning their lessons,” but for most, time-outs trigger a desperate pursuit of contact and connection. This often looks like “good behavior,” as they come out saying many “sorry’s”, promising to be good, and claiming they’ll never do “it” again. Alarm and insecurity replace the turbulent emotions that got them into the time out, which often looks much ‘quieter’ on the outside. This can result in clingy children who won’t let you out of their sight or have trouble falling asleep. In addition, when we threaten physical or emotional separation to an already frustrated child, this usually adds to their frustration. The resulting aggression inevitably spills out later to siblings, pets, friends, parents, or even themselves.

The research is very clear: attachment (i.e. connection and closeness) is our preeminent human need and critical for the healthy development of a child. Preserving the relationship with our children should be our priority because that is where the natural desire to be good comes from. Every time we send a child to their room, it’s another reason they won’t want to depend on us. When their brain decides it’s not safe to depend, they may try to boss us around instead. Dr. Neufeld, a developmental psychologist and author of “Hold on to Your Kids,” says, “The reason time outs work is why we shouldn’t use them.” You may get immediate results, but the long-term consequence is insecure, anxious, often demanding, and/or aggressive kids.

Does that mean that if a child is hitting his sister, or someone is yelling insults, we stand idly by? When a child is not responsible for their behavior, we need to take charge of the situation and keep everyone safe; that is our parental responsibility. We also need to safeguard the context for our parenting—that is, our relationship with the child. If you do take a child out of a troublesome situation, make it a time of connection and go with them. They need to know that nothing will separate them from your love—not even their bad behavior. You can address the violation simply, saying “We don’t hit,” without letting your tone of voice jeopardize the connection between you. Ideally, we make it easy for the child to feel their sadness about what is not working, because it is through feeling their sadness that they realize the futility of their actions and resilience is born.

Sometimes as parents, we need to learn our lessons, rather than teaching them a lesson, and figure out what are we going to do differently to help them navigate a troublesome situation. If they get into trouble every day right before dinner, what structures can we put in place to help them? We have to take responsibility for their immature behavior—and figure out what we can do to support them–rather than blaming them for their immaturity. Sometimes we are also the ones who need a time out when our emotions are intense; we need to be careful, however, to do it in a way that does not blame, shame, or scare the child.

Time-outs are still recommended as the discipline of choice by many doctors and psychologists, yet developmental science has clearly shown that such a consequence can’t “extinguish” undesirable behavior. It may even create more behavior problems than it solves. It is for these same reasons that all separation-based discipline practices– ignoring, silent treatment, 1-2-3 Magic, et cetera–are detrimental to the healthy development of children. Dr. Neufeld says he is “convinced that if parents, professionals, and teachers had any idea of why (time outs) work, and the risks involved, (time outs) would go the way of spanking.”

References

Gordon Neufeld, Making Sense of Discipline, Neufeld Institute Vancouver BC, Canada. 

Heather Ferguson is on faculty at the Neufeld Institute, and a Clinical Counsellor in private practice in the Cowichan Valley, B.C.