Navigating the Adolescent Years: Reclaiming our Youth

Many people shudder when thinking of parenting an adolescent.  Indeed it can be a rite of passage for the adults responsible as well as for the teens involved. It is our job to help them cross the bridge from childhood to adulthood, and as with any transition, this can be a confusing, challenging and turbulent ride. Unfortunately, growing up is not guaranteed. What is our role in helping them to become fully mature, responsible young adults?

We have a strong cultural assumption that we need to “let go” of our adolescents, and a lot of teen behavior is excused based on this premise. The teen who never wants to spend time with their family, who eschews our values, becomes secretive or who is uncomfortable when not with their friends, is often seen as taking the necessary steps of ‘growing up.’ Yet they are likely not becoming independent, as many mistakenly claim. They may be more independent from us, but are often transferring their dependence to their peers.

This is very different than becoming their own person. The challenge for our youth is to hold on to their own thoughts, ideas and values when in the company of their peers; most, however, are conforming to the crowd instead. Yes, our teens do need to separate from us, but many are not fulfilling their developmental destiny and becoming their own unique selves.

Many youth are ‘parenting’ each other when their own parents have given up the job too early. They usually don’t have the maturity to guide each other through these turbulent times. At the same time, parents often celebrate this time when their child is not so dependent, and they have more freedom to get on with their own lives.

The most common mistake adults make is to back off prematurely. Our challenge is not to treat them as if they were children nor to retreat from them as if they were adults. They need us and yet need not to need us. Their instincts are to resist us, and yet we are still their best bet. Adolescents enveloped in supportive adult relationships have the greatest chance of successfully negotiating this tumultuous time.

References

Gordon Neufeld, Making Sense of Adolescence: Seven Rites of Passage, Neufeld Institute Vancouver BC, Canada. www.neufeldinstitute.org.