Building strong relationships with our children

Summer is here and, for many of us, that means so are our kids. Finally, the possibility of that elusive (and guilt-producing) ideal, “quality time,” has arrived. Shortly after the relief of not making school lunches, however, many of us will be yearning for September, when the kids go back to school. Being with our kids full-time can be exhausting, and it can also bring out some of the worst in our parenting repertoire.

Fortunately, good parenting doesn’t equal quantity or quality time. Gordon Neufeld, a renowned developmental psychologist and author of Hold On To Your Kids, has identified six qualities of relationships that are much more important than quantity or quality time. What children need from us is a continuity of connection; being physically with them is only one way to achieve this.

The 6 qualities of strong parent-child relationships are:
• Being with (in sight, in sound, in touch; most important for young children)
• Sameness (“You are I are so much alike, we both love music”)
• Belonging and loyalty (I’m on your side, I agree with you)
• Significance (You matter to me, I miss you when we’re apart)
• Love/Affection (warmth, delight, enjoyment)
• A sense of being truly known (Someone who “gets them” from the inside out)

These six ways of developing strong relationships are a vital foundation for raising our children. No matter how much time we have with them, it is the quality of our relationship, not quality time, that makes all the difference. When we express our warmth, delight, and enjoyment of them, they thrive. The more we take on the work of creating a deep and secure attachment with our children, the more they are free to mature and reach their full human potential.

References

Gordon Neufeld, Power to Parent, Neufeld Institute Vancouver BC, Canada. 

Heather Ferguson is on faculty at the Neufeld Institute, and a Clinical Counsellor in private practice in the Cowichan Valley, B.C.