The Gift of Relationship
The stress of holiday gift-giving is often overwhelming, particularly so during these economic times. Big emotions can be stirred in us when our kids come to us with a huge list or seem ungrateful for the incredible gifts they did get. It’s easy for both parent and child to get pulled into the consumerism of the season.
In these situations, I find it helpful to come back to what our kids need most: a warm and generous invitation into a loving relationship with us. Not gifts. Not things.
An insatiable desire for stuff is really a deep hunger for something else, something that only a significant relationship can provide. It is not stuff they desire, as much as a warm and caring relationship where they are cherished and celebrated.
What, then, are we trying to convey with our gifts? Is it love? Is it a sense of mattering, of being known? I often ask myself these questions when overcome with the desire to give. And does my love get across, through the material gift, or is there a more potent way of expressing it?
Maslow, I believe, got it a little wrong. Our greatest human need is for contact and closeness with those whom we love; It is more important than food and shelter. Why did nature design us this way? Because being in proximity with those we love ensures our survival. If there were an earthquake or other disaster, we would not be searching immediately for food and shelter; we would be looking for our children, our parents, our loved ones. This isn’t a mistake; it is hardwired very deep in the brain. Our survival needs are taken care of by these caretaking relationships.
In everyday life, there are many ways we can convey a generous invitation into relationship. If your child comes home for the holidays with a disappointing report card, how do we preserve and strengthen the relationship? By conveying that their worthiness—and our love– is not conditional upon their performance. Yes, you can still address study habits or sleep or whatever is getting in the way, however, that should not take priority over the dependability of the relationship.
When our children miss the final shot in the championship game or mess up their lines in the school play or Holiday concert, this is the most potent time to convey that the relationship is not affected by their mistakes and less-than-perfect performance, that your love does not waver, and you still think the world of them. If you can get that message across, your child can rest in your love and hopefully feel their sadness, disappointment, or frustration about these events with your arm around them. You not only preserve the relationship, but you invest in your ability to parent them effectively. A child who loves you will want to be good for you and steer in the direction of your values, because you give them the most precious gift a person can receive—the gift of love not predicated on what we do but who we are.
Who of us adults wouldn’t like a friend or partner or parent to give us that kind of grace when we make mistakes?
Our kids face a challenging future. They will need strong inner resources to navigate the world they are inheriting from us. Where do they get the ability to face futilities, to be creative and resourceful in problem-solving, and to turn challenging moments into resilience? They need qualities that are developed in relationships: a soft heart, the ability to feel all their emotions, and the ability to reflect on and communicate what they are feeling. They need rest from shapeshifting themselves to make relationships work. They need to be freed up to play imaginatively and creatively. If we can provide these conditions, they will be able to adapt and thrive in the world they find themselves in, as well as reach their full human potential.
This holiday season, if you are concerned about not being able to provide materially, you need not worry so much about the stuff but focus instead on showering your children with warmth, delight, and enjoyment. They won’t remember the gifts so much, but they will remember -–in their bones—the quality of their relationship with you. As developmental psychologist Urie Bronfenbrenner said so brilliantly, “Every child needs at least one adult who is irrationally crazy about them.” That is the biggest and most invaluable gift we can give to our loved ones.
Heather Ferguson is on faculty at the Neufeld Institute, and a Clinical Counsellor in private practice in the Cowichan Valley, B.C.
